Frozen in Time

Does anyone or anything ever break another person?
Do they just break themselves?
Does anyone or anything have that inherent power, or does a person allow that person or thing to have that power... thus being the one to do the damage.

Sometimes I feel as though I will never be seen.
I feel as though I will never be what I want myself to be.
Let alone what someone else wants me to be.
What they need me to be.

Will I be okay?

I have trouble finding joy in the journey, and I know that is something only I can fix.
I cannot count on anyone or anything else to make me feel happy and whole.
Why am I not happy?
Why do I not feel whole?

Will I forever compare people to how you made me feel?
Will I ever not miss that night in the bed of your truck?

I'm told that someday, someone, will find me.
They will love the parts of me most that I cannot stand.
Will they also love the parts of me that I love?
Will they love me through the dark?

It is like, time passes and I accomplish things and I smile and laugh.
But I want more.

I want to break myself open.
To pour my soul from the deepest parts of me.

For someone to see the darkest parts.

They're all dark parts.

I just want to be saved.
Can I even be saved?
Am I worth saving?

Do I just want to test someone... to prove that I am right?

Do they leave me because I give them no choice or because I am unlovable?

At some point, you look at your life, and where you are, and how you got there.
When I look back all I see are tests.
Tests that they failed.

Is it because the tests were never meant to be passed?
Could they have all loved me like I needed and wanted had I given them the chance?

I listen to sad music and read sad poems.
I tell myself it's because there is something wrong with me.
There is something broken that makes me want to be sad.

The truth is that I am sad.
I should be so happy. I should feel so whole.
But I don't.

I have perfected the script.
I don't want kids. I don't want a family. I don't want a partner.
I just want to be a badass, independent woman.

And I do.

I do want to be a badass, independent woman.
But I also might want kids, a family... a partner.
I might want someone to bring me coffee in bed.
Tell me when I'm overreacting.
Send me 'good morning' texts.

I've gotten so good at pretending.
Sometimes I'm not sure.

But then I had a dream last night.
I was on the beach, and I got engaged.
I wanted to take a ridiculous and cheesy photo to send to my mom.
You know the photo, with the ring front and center and the boy cheesing in the back.
Then I laid down.
I laid down with my head in his lap.

I don't even know who he was.
Who he is.

And really, it doesn't matter.

I felt so much happiness.
I felt so at peace.

The sun was shining. I could smell the saltwater.
And I was there.

With him.

Then I woke up.
I was alone.
In my bed.
With my mom in the other room.

And I remembered that I haven't been enough.

Will I ever be enough?